D’oh!

February 28, 2006

As I approach fatherhood, I am trying to think back on all the fathers that influenced me throughout my life. My own father, my grandfathers… all great examples of awesome dads! Unfortunately, I tend to get their counsels mixed up with those of another dad with whom I spent many, many hours…. Homer Simpson! Like many others of my generation, these parenting gems are deeply engraved into my subconscious… enjoy!

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

“Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name?”

“Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I’ll just estimate. 9!”

“(Lisa): Dad! I had a bad dream!
(Homer): Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it.
(Lisa): I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogieman was chasing me and…
(Homer): AAHH! Boogieman!
[Runs to Bart’s room]
(Homer): Bart, I don’t want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!
(Bart): Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!”

“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her – during the commercial.”

“(Lisa): Dad! You can’t just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
(Homer): Lisa, haven’t you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it’ll be a hilarious situation…”

“(Bart): Mo-om! My slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
(Marge): Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
(Homer on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! … I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.”

“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”

“Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend!”

“Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids… Eat them!”

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Daily Show celebrates fatherhood….. sort of.

February 26, 2006

In case you missed the Daily Show segment this week in which Jason Jones resolves to be a better father, I found it on youtube.com.

It’s very funny.

*Click Here*


Feelin’ it!

February 25, 2006

Julie is feeling the baby move ALL THE TIME now…. I’m jealous!


Sex Ed.

February 23, 2006

In my biology class today we were discussing cellular reproduction and the meiotic production of sperm and egg cells. Normally I don’t find chromosomes all that interesting… but under my current circumstances the conversation seemed extremely relevant! It was like “Wow, I did this! My chromosomes totally mixed liked that.”

I wont bore you with the details of meiosis, but here’s one interesting bit of info…

Each sperm and egg cell can be one of about 8 million possible chromosomal combinations, respectively.
That would put a zygote at one of 70 trillion+ possible arrangements of chromosomes taken from both parents.

70 trillion! That really narrows it down!

Now that I know that my child is one of the only 70 trillion possibilities, I really feel like I’m getting to know the kid.


Oh, the horror!!!

February 20, 2006

Why does everyone feel the need to tell pregnant women all the horrible things that happened to “someone they know” while they were pregnant?

Really, the thought process must go like this, “Oh look, she’s pregnant! I better tell her about all the miscarriages my sister-in-law had!”

My wife gets so stressed out about all this negative info she’s recieving from… well, everyone! Is there absolutely nothing positive to say about pregnancy? Is it some kind of joke that they let you in on after you have the baby (Ok, congratualtions Mr. and Mrs. Brown! By the way… you’ve been on the “How much can we stress this couple out?” show! There’s a camera over there, and over there…)?

It doesn’t help that the wife works in an elementary school. The place is full of women who apparently have been through the most horrible pregnancies known to man…

“I hope you’re not in and out of the hospital all the time like I was!”

“Get ready for some stretch-marks!”

“Say good-bye to your boobs!”

“You’re gonna be puking for the next 6 months!”

“I hope all your hair doesn’t fall out!”

This one she actually got from one of her 4th grade students…

“Mrs. Brown, you probably don’t want to hear this, but my cousin just had a baby and it died.”

She can’t take it anymore!

Somebody please just tell her something pleasant! Tell every pregnant woman you see how lucky she is to be in that position! I’m sure all the horror stories about preganacy can wait until after she’s had the baby… and by that time, she’ll have some horror stories of her own!


Painting…

February 18, 2006

“You’re having a baby? Better get your sleep in now!”

If I had a penny for every time someone said that to me I’d have… well, probably only like 13 cents. But still, I don’t need that advice. I sleep MORE than enough.

What people are really trying to tell me is, “You’re having a baby? You better do everything you ever wanted/needed to do, NOW!”

So… here’s my to do list!

1) Paint the house

2) Take some road trips

3) Landscape the back yard

4) Spend some time with the dudes

5) Play my guitar really loud

6) Get in a fight and win
7) Build shelves in the garage

Whatever. Some of this stuff will get done before the baby gets here (I don’t really want to get in a fight… I’d certainly lose!). This weekend I am taking care of number 1.


Our new chair rocks!

February 16, 2006

When Mommy Brown and I were first married we combined all of our random stuff and ended up with a house full of everything that we had ever owned individually. Obviously we had to get rid of some stuff. One such thing happened to be an old rocking chair given to her by her parents.

Niether of us really liked the chair, but she had held on to it because she figured she needed a rocking chair for whenever she decided to have kids. At the time, that day seemed oh so far away and I promised that I would buy her a new chair when she became pregnant if we could just get rid of the old one. We got rid of it shortly after that conversation.

Fast forward a couple years and we’re pregnant and of course she has decided to take me up on that promise. So the other night we went looking at chairs.

She wanted a chair that was comfortable enough to fall asleep in. She also wanted something that rocks and reclines.

It just so happens that the local Lay-Z-Boy store is in the process of moving to a new location and they were having a huge sale to get rid of all the stuff in the store before they move. Most of the chairs were between 30-40% off. We ended up getting a nice little chair for 30% off and we really like it. It has a cool modern pattern and it’ll go perfect in our nursery. The picture doesn’t really do the chair justice… but this is it!

The sale continues through this month, but stuff is getting picked over pretty quick. Any Las Vegans in the search for a new chair should check it out.