As I approach fatherhood, I am trying to think back on all the fathers that influenced me throughout my life. My own father, my grandfathers… all great examples of awesome dads! Unfortunately, I tend to get their counsels mixed up with those of another dad with whom I spent many, many hours…. Homer Simpson! Like many others of my generation, these parenting gems are deeply engraved into my subconscious… enjoy!
“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
“Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name?”
“Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I’ll just estimate. 9!”
“(Lisa): Dad! I had a bad dream!
(Homer): Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it.
(Lisa): I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogieman was chasing me and…
(Homer): AAHH! Boogieman!
[Runs to Bart’s room]
(Homer): Bart, I don’t want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!
“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her – during the commercial.”
“(Lisa): Dad! You can’t just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
(Homer): Lisa, haven’t you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it’ll be a hilarious situation…”
“(Bart): Mo-om! My slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
(Marge): Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
(Homer on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! … I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.”
“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman!”
“Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend!”
“Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids… Eat them!”